I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
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Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!