[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
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[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom