My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
You Might Also Like
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook