[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
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Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
Who called it baking and not making love
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.