[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
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*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist