ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
You Might Also Like
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.