God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
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Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
This forever.
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]