There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl

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Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”


My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.


Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”

GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”



this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same


Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit

Son using Ouija board: HEY MA


I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.


I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.


LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.