@Michael1979

There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl

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@OllyiConic

Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”

@Manglewood

My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.

@gitson_shiggles

Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”

GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”

Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”

@rachelle_mandik

this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same

@Faungirl123

Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit

Son using Ouija board: HEY MA

@rainerfm

I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.

@TravLeBlanc

I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.

@TheAndrewNadeau

LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.