There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
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Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
Warm pools make me nervous.
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎