This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
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Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
love how you can hear the crowd constantly forgetting the queen died and singing god save the quing
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
Me: *walks into a door frame*
Husband: Can you do that again? My camera wasn’t on.
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
My first son he is wonderful
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