gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
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Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.