[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
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I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.