The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
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ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
Grandmother clock.
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
Good morning
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.