“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
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I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
my nickname in college
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
Good morning
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work