“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
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Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes