Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
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Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
They’re the worst 😩
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
Twitter is an abusement park.
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.