“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
You Might Also Like
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.