When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
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Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
Tammy is short for Tamuel
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
🤣dope
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay