“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
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[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no