“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
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My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.