Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
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Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews