Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
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they should invent a type of situation that improves.
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve