Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
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First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them