Am I having a stroke?
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Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
Meow?
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
still the best tweet of the year by far
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
Every. Damn. Time.
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.