Meow?
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Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?