COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
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“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast