I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
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“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
Mistakes were made
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”