“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
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God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
My background check bounced.
A new level of troll.
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.