I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
You Might Also Like
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no