I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
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Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?