I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
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I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG