My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
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*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
Lassie, get help!
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails