Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
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I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE