People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
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Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.