An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
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Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
Life cycle of cat
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
Plumber: I think I found the problem
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
I created you as mosquito food.
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]