My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
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wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
So sick of all these stupid rules
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA