@TheAlexP

* feels winds of change

* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts

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@xLiserx

{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.

@kitkova

Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!

@HomeProbably

I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.

That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.

@vladchoc

Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.

@jlock17

A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.

@pleatedjeans

Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you

@nickeldoodle

Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me

@mayamanion

Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?