* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
You Might Also Like
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
hey, alexa
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”