My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
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Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’