You Might Also Like
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
necessity is the mother of invention
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan