@SkinnerSteven

Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’

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@SCbchbum

If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.

@Robinbuble

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.

@Parentpains

In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.

@tweetarded1

Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”

@LostFelicia

I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.

@Landon8426

American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.

@DadInUtah

Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.