Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’

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If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.


I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.


In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.


Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”


I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.


American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.


Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.