@SkinnerSteven

Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’

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@SavageDabs69

When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?

@david8hughes

[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”

@1AIMMadellynne

I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.

@LaLuchaNix

We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face

@stevevsninjas

[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol

@whatthebasit

When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”

@Jandalize

Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.

@TheCiscoKidder

I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.

@myonlymizztake

My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.

@patsatweetin

What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?