Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’

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When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?


[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”


I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.


We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face


[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol


When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”


Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.


I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.


My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.


What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?