HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
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I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
Cats are still liquid.
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.