Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
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I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?