Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
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I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
Beware…..
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape