If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
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A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener