I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
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[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
*jazz hands*
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.