Today’s meltdown is brought to you because when your kid asked for a “plain pb&j,” what they actually wanted was a pb&j in the shape of a plane
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Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
I feel seen.
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.