barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
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I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.