I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
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Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above