Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
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Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.