‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
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If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.