Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
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saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.