My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
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For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?